Query Contest: Second Place

As I mentioned yesterday, I’m offering up two Second Place winners today. Ch-ch-ch-check ‘em out!

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The first winner comes from Lynn Rush, for a YA book:

Dear Ms. Mary Kole,

Thank you for taking the time to review my query. I am excited to share with you my novel, Frostbite. It is a completed, 80,000-word, action-packed, paranormal romance geared toward the young adult audience. It has finaled in an RWA contest and has been sent to five agencies for consideration.

Good summary and impressive that this has finaled in an RWA contest. RWA, or the Romance Writers of America, is a huge organization full of very talented and motivated writers.

Kissing is part of being a teenager, but when Amanda Smith kisses a boy, there’s a chance he’ll be frostbitten.

“Kissing is part of being a teenager” is a little dry but we get the premise right away. I’d stay away from saying “there’s a chance” because that decreases tension — if this doesn’t happen all the time, where’s the danger? — and raises nitpicky questions. (When does the frostbite occur? When does it not? Why not? Etc.) Notice that I’m only pointing out areas of improvement because she’s given me a lot of great stuff to work with below. I wouldn’t offset this sentence before the query because it doesn’t quite open with the bang I need.

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Amanda Smith is sick of getting chased from town-to-town. So when she lands in tiny Trifle, Arizona, she hopes it’s her last move for a long time. Despite hating the smallness of the town, she settles in and finds a best friend, and even a boyfriend. Normality at its finest, right?

The first line here, however, is a whole other story. I want to know more! The last line also has a great, sarcastic voice that shows me I’ll see more of that in the manuscript. The contrast of hotter-than-Hades Arizona with what I already know is a girl who gives people frostbite is also interesting.

But for a girl who can shoot snow from her hands and lift a two-ton truck over her head like a bag of feathers—normal is not an option.

Nice. Could easily work in the kissing information in this bit to increase and compound the tension. Give that part to us here.

The scientists who murdered her mother come barreling into Amanda’s quiet life forcing her to run yet again. Or will help from an unlikely source cause her to take a final stand so she can stay with those she loves?

A little bit general here — tell us about the help, tell us about the unlikely source, tell us about those she loves — but I can see there are going to be lots of complications. Like the active verb on “barreling.” Just give me a little bit more meat to work with.

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I am actively involved in American Christian Fiction Writers (ACFW) and Romance Writers of America (RWA). When I’m not writing, I enjoy road biking with my husband of thirteen years and volunteering in my church bookstore. I’ve already begun building an audience for my writing through my blog, which I’ve been writing for twelve months and through my FaceBook and Twitter followers (numbering 3,500 to date.)

Good stuff here and nice numbers for your Twitter. I know you love your hubby but maybe save that for the personal chat with the agent.

Thanks again for your consideration. Have a great day.
Lynn Rush

Excellent. Next we have a picturebook query from Miss Franziska (Siski) Green:

Dear Ms Kole,

“My love for you is bigger than an elephant,” whispers a mother to her child as they go to sleep in their shantytown home. The little girl has never seen an elephant and cannot imagine just how big that is. When a surprise trip with her school brings her nose to nose with the biggest land animals in the world, she finally understands what her mother means.

In my Honorable Mentions post, I talked about picturebook queries giving me an image to work with and keep in mind as I read. Here, the writer does this brilliantly in the first sentence. I love the dialogue, I love the atmosphere created by the verb “whispers” and I can perfectly imagine them falling asleep in their little hut.

Elephant Love, a story based on real events in South Africa, is an uplifting 700-word picture book. Readers will learn about shantytown life, what families eat, how they sleep and play, but the storyline does not dwell on hardship. The spotlight is not on the living conditions in many South African shantytowns, but rather how a new experience teaches a little girl something both amazing and important: how much her mother loves her.

I love the tone of this query letter. It is positive and uplifting, just like the manuscript it describes. Be careful, though “but the storyline does not dwell on hardship” and “the spotlight is not on the living conditions in many South African shantytowns, but rather” are saying two very similar things. Just use the first line, because it answers a question in the reader’s mind. When I read “story based on real events in South Africa,” I did worry for a minute whether it would be too depressing or political to reach a wide audience. The writer here has allayed my fears by answering my question before I even got a chance to ask it. Very skillfully done. The message of love at the end of this paragraph makes me want to curl up in my own little hut (with my elephant-sized fat cat).

I am an experienced freelance journalist, writing for Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan and Saga magazines and websites in the adult market; Junior, Father’s Quarterly magazine and First News newspaper in the children’s market. Having written two non-fiction adult books (How to Blow Her Mind in Bed, Piatkus, 2007; How to Blow His Mind in Bed, Piatkus, 2010), I am aware that the success of a book relies on marketing and publicity. I will do my utmost to get maximum exposure for my book.

Lots of great publication credits here. It’s also interesting to see the author has chosen to tackle a whole new spin on something people do in bed… talk about love and elephants, of course! Sorry, I had to make the joke. Start throwing the rotten tomatoes. I deserve it.

I am an active member of the SCBWI.

This is a simultaneous submission.

Yours sincerely,
Franziska Green

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Great job, Siski! I’m so excited to keep sharing queries with you all. This has been really fun. Now I’ll take a break for the weekend and be back with the big show, a First Place and a Grand Prize winner!