Thank you so much to A.B., who has generously provided the workshop submission for our sixth installment. After the excitement of launching Good Story Company and an unexpected family emergency, I feel good to be back in workshop!
The Workshop Text
Sometimes it seems like all we do is look for the next place to party. All we do is try to escape Elderberry Estates. Our parents live here to hide from all the ugliness of reality but we want the grime, the drama.
Love the first line, but the repetition takes some of the power away. I like the idea that the parents want the safe life and the kids (I’m assuming that’s what we mean by “we”) want the drama. But after the first line, you lapse into telling. This is too much self-awareness right away. Most teens don’t go around saying, “We perform risky behavior to feel more alive” and other stuff like that. You want to show this, rather than tell.
It’s finally summer and we’re road-tripping it out to the coast. Safia is driving so of course I’m sitting shotgun. Ramona, Paz, and Thalia are crowded in the back. Paz is in the middle but she keeps moaning about how she’s going to puke so Thalia switches her. Paz rolls down the window and soon she’s asleep and drooling on Thalia’s shoulder.
Good grounding the reader in time and place. But we get a roll call of four named characters here. It’s overwhelming since we’re just coming into the story. Maybe take some more time here. Instead of introducing them all, let’s introduce one at a time and then layer in some dialogue. Also, the first paragraph promised “the grime, the drama,” and yet a cute little road trip to the beach doesn’t quite strike the same note. Is the word “with” missing after “switches”?
I said if we took my car we had to make a pact so our phones are in the glove box and we’re singing to the radio until it dissolves into static and then we play the license plate game and then we play truth or dare.
A long sentence that sort of meanders. I’m all about voice, but here, the run-on doesn’t really add much stylistically. Road trip stories, even those that feature short road trips, are a challenge, because nothing tends to happen. This is the case here. The characters seem bored, and that’s a tough way to start a novel. Bored characters tend to be boring, I’m afraid.
We get to La Push in time for sunset. The floor of the car is covered in garbage and my foot is asleep and our limbs are overlapping and intermingled. Thalia is braiding strands of Safia’s hair and I’m painting Paz’s toenails and Ro is eating the sandwich that Thalia packed for herself.
I’m not sure we need both “overlapping and intermingled,” since these words play the same role in this sentence. I like the crush of bodies and people here—it tells me there’s a strong friendship. But I’m not getting a sense of these people as individuals. Let’s hear them speak in dialogue.
We tumble out of the car with our arms around each other, holding hands and bumping hips, and the bond of our friendship seems enduring, like nothing can break it, ever. But as Edison spots us and bellows my name and I feel Thalia’s eyes all over my skin, I know it won’t be enough.
The “arms around each other, holding hands and bumping hips” makes the same point as the “intermingled” description above. So we don’t need “the bond of our friendship seems enduring, like nothing can break it, ever” because that’s telling and redundant. It does set up some tension (maybe something will break it), but not clearly enough.
“I know it won’t be enough” here seems to come out of nowhere, and so the sudden tension or static between them doesn’t feel earned yet. We have no idea who Edison is or what this means. I’d add a bit more context so readers can start to understand what the beef is, if there is any. Why they’re going to the beach, what they want from the day, why they can’t be ripped apart, etc. Otherwise, the quality of the writing itself is very strong and voice-driven!
That’s all they wrote! Tune in next week for more workshop!
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One Reply to “Young Adult Critique: Workshop Submission #6”
This is great! It’s got so much “movement” to me. 🙂 The issues I did have were that there’s a lot of telling. I love the details but I’d love to hear them speak, too.
It took me two times to “get” the first few lines. I think it’d pack more punch if you ground the reader first. I’d not have the narrator say they “want the grime, the drama”. Instead, just show it in another way or this will feel like an adult is writing this, not a teen.
I love how you have them all intertwined, but the narrator is riding shotgun, so she’s in the front seat. Maybe clarify that with everyone in the back is. And you’re missing the word “with” when you say that Thalia switched with Paz. 🙂
I like run-on sentences sometimes when the MC is speaking in the third paragraph. It makes the voice sound real to me. Also love how they tumble out of the car, bumping hips, etc., but it can sound a little like it’s trying too hard to be teen-like, so it doesn’t have to be as much as you have it. Then , out comes Edison, and I’m intrigued!!
Overall, I like this a lot. I’d keep reading! Now to read Mary’s comments. 🙂 Best of luck with this YA!